(von: football.guardian.co.uk)

7.34am Wake from sound night's sleep when alarm rings. My, it's early. Yawn! Never mind; rising with the lark helps keep the old brain sharp. Time to rise and shine. Get up off floor and clamber into bed.

7.35am No, that's not right. Get out of bed.

7.37am Shower and shave. Then get dressed. Wonder why there's green, orange and purple cards everywhere. Then wonder why I'm featuring in a thinly-disguised rip-off of the Graham Poll diary that appeared in a recent Fiver.

7.40am Decide Fiver writer must be stuck for time and not to kick up a fuss. The sooner the Fiver goes back to being sent out at 5.23pm the better. Put on rimless spectacles.

7.41am Put on rimless spectacles.

7.42am Put on rimless spectacles.

7.43am Attempt to leave hotel room and career straight into wardrobe. Bah! Never mind, time for breakfast.

8.15am Arrive in dining room and help myself to orange juice, smoked mackerel, toast, butter and coffee. Where is everyone? At training, no doubt. The World Cup final's on Sunday and it's their destiny after all.

8.45am Adjourn to video room to check out likely opponents. Germany or Italy - who will it be? After hammering Portugal on Saturday, it doesn't really matter - we're obviously the team everyone fears.

10.40am Stagger ashen-faced from video room holding thick sheaf of notes. Sample scribbles: "galloping full-backs", "rampaging midfielders", "amazing technical ability", "created chance after chance" and "much better than England". But enough about Germany, it's Italy we've got to face.

11am Regain composure in time for daily press briefing.

11.30am Storm out of daily press briefing after losing temper with hacks. With a World Cup final looming, how dare they not turn up?

11.45am A-ha! There they are, talking to Italy manager Marcello Lippi. Decide to listen in. "It would be unjust if we had not won the game or had to go to a penalty shoot-out. I think we deserved to win tonight."

11.46am Bah! That's what I said after beating Portugal - he's copying my style.

11.47am "We were a little better than the German team. We were not that much superior but we were better. We hit the bar twice and were close a couple of times and in the end we deserved to win. I don't think anyone will doubt that. We want to try to complete the task and we will await to see who our opponents will be in the final." It's us you senile old Italian. Honestly, who does this charlatan think he is?

11.50am Try to imagine what it would be like to be a manager with so little savvy. Can't. What better time to get the jump on Lippi by having a team meeting. Dial Becks's number - (1451) 451451451 - to tell him to round up Rio, Lamps and the troops.

11.51am His phone keeps cutting me off - the mobile signal in Baden-Baden is way too weak. Never mind, I'll try Second Choice Steve.

11.53am Hello Steve! It's Sven. I need you to get everyone in from training and up to the meeting room immedia ... click, brrrr.