Andy Townsend tells of a particularly pungent ordeal he endured during the 1994 World Cup. The Ireland team were lined up before their clash with Italy, sweating in searing heat, when the Irish fans opened their mouths to belch their national anthem ... and the stench of beer nearly knocked the players backwards. Townsend, then, no doubt applauds Fifa supremo Sepp Blatter, who today announced that he may scrap the whole tradition of using national anthems to whip fans into xenophobic frenzies.

This is a hot topic in Blatter's native Switzerland, where some locals admit that the violence in the recent World Cup play-off against Turkey may have been spawned by Swiss fans whistling through the Turkish ditty during the first leg. "I consider whistling to be extremely disrespectful and disparaging to national pride," bellowed Blatter to Swiss magazine Schweizer Illustrierte. "I'm asking myself whether it even makes sense to play the national anthems. We will at least consider not playing them."

In a move that will further enrage admirers of Joseph Goebbels-style propaganda, Blatter also wants to ensure bloodthirsty fools don't lose sight of the fact that football is just a game. "We could insist teams shake hands after the match," he reasoned, threading a daisy chain through his remaining strands of hair. "We cannot have the situation where the winning team is unable to celebrate but must instead sprint off the pitch like thieves." The Fiver agrees, especially if the proposed ban on stadium sing-songs is extended to include concerts by Robbie Williams, Elton John and Celine Dion.

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